10 Signs You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship (That Aren’t Always Obvious) | Sarah St.Martin Therapy

Not all unhealthy relationships are obvious.

It’s not always yelling, cheating, or something you can point to and say, “Yep, that’s the problem.”

More often, it’s subtle.

It’s the feeling you get after a conversation. The way your body tightens before bringing something up.The quiet thought: “This doesn’t feel how I thought it would.”

A lot of people I work with in Salt Lake City and around Utah

say some version of:“Nothing is that bad… but I don’t feel good in it either.”

That matters.

Let’s walk through some signs—and also clear up a few common misconceptions.

10 Signs You Might Be in an Unhealthy Relationship

1. You feel anxious more than you feel secure

You’re overthinking, second-guessing, or bracing for how your partner might respond.

2. You find yourself editing what you say

You hold things in—not because it’s thoughtful timing, but because it doesn’t feel safe to be fully honest.

3. You’re walking on eggshells

You’re constantly scanning:

• Is this a good time? 

• Are they in a mood? 

• Should I just drop it? 

That level of hyper-awareness is exhausting.

4. Conflict leaves you confused instead of closer

Instead of resolution, you’re left thinking:

• Was that my fault? 

• Am I overreacting? 

• What just happened? 

  
  

5. Apologies don’t lead to change

Things get smoothed over—but the same patterns keep happening.

6. You feel responsible for their emotions

You’re managing their stress, reactions, or moods… often at the expense of your own needs.

7. Your world is getting smaller

You’re pulling back from friends, family, or parts of your life that used to feel like you.

8. You don’t feel like yourself anymore

You might feel:

• more anxious 

• less confident 

• more reactive 

• or just… off 

9. There’s a lack of respect (even if it’s subtle)

This can look like dismissiveness, sarcasm, or not taking your feelings seriously.

10. You keep questioning if it’s “really that bad”

This one comes up all the time.

If you’re constantly trying to convince yourself it’s fine… that’s worth paying attention to.

The Four Patterns That Quietly Erode Relationships

Research from John Gottman identifies four communication patterns that are especially harmful over time. These are often called “The Four Horsemen.”

1. Criticism

Not just bringing up concerns—but attacking your partner’s character.(“You always…” “You never…”)

2. Defensiveness

Instead of hearing your partner, you protect yourself or shift blame.

3. Contempt

This is the big one.Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mocking—anything that communicates “I’m above you.”

4. Stonewalling

Shutting down, withdrawing, or emotionally checking out during conflict.

Most couples experience these at times.The issue is when they become the default pattern.

Because over time, they don’t just create conflict—they create disconnection.

Common Myths About Unhealthy Relationships

Let’s clear up a few things, because a lot of people stay stuck due to misunderstanding what “unhealthy” actually means.

Myth: If your partner doesn’t think like you, it means you’re incompatible

This one comes up a lot. Different emotional styles, communication styles, or ways of processing don’t automatically mean you’re a bad match.

But without understanding those differences, it can feel like:

• “They don’t care the way I do” 

• “They’re too much” 

• “They’ll never meet me where I am” 

What’s often missing isn’t compatibility—it’s understanding and translation.

Myth: There has to be something “really bad” to justify concern

A relationship doesn’t need to be extreme to be unhealthy.

Sometimes it’s:

• feeling unseen 

• feeling dismissed 

• feeling alone in the relationship 

  
  

That’s enough.

Myth: If you’re the one struggling, it means you’re the problem

Relationships are systems. It’s rarely just one person. It’s the pattern between you. And that pattern can be understood—and shifted.

Myth: If you disagree on politics, religion, or values, your relationship is unhealthy

This one comes up a lot, especially here in Utah. Couples can absolutely have differences in:

• politics 

• religion 

• family values 

• how they were raised 

That alone doesn’t make a relationship unhealthy.

What matters more is:

• Can you talk about those differences without it turning into criticism or shutdown? 

• Do you feel respected—even when you don’t agree? 

• Can you stay emotionally connected, or does it quickly turn into distance? 

I’ve worked with couples who vote differently, believe different things, or come from completely different backgrounds—and still feel deeply secure together.

And I’ve worked with couples who agree on everything… but feel totally disconnected.

So it’s not about what you believe.It’s about how you handle the moments where you don’t match.

Can Mismatched Attachment Styles Work?

Short answer: yes—but not without awareness.

Many couples fall into a pursue/withdraw dynamic:

• one partner seeks closeness, reassurance, connection 

• the other pulls back, shuts down, or needs space 

Neither is wrong.

But without understanding the pattern, it can feel like:

• one person is “too much” 

• the other is “not enough” 

What’s actually happening is:

• one partner is protecting against disconnection 

• the other is protecting against overwhelm or failure 

With awareness (and often therapy), these dynamics can shift into something much more secure and connected.

When Should You Seek Couples Counseling?

A lot of couples wait too long.

Not because they don’t care—but because they think it has to get worse first.

You don’t need to be on the brink of separation to benefit from therapy.

It can be helpful if:

• you’re having the same fight over and over 

• communication feels stuck or unproductive 

• one or both of you feel emotionally disconnected 

• conflict escalates quickly or gets avoided entirely 

• you’re starting to feel more like roommates than partners 

• something just feels “off” and you can’t quite name it 

Honestly?The earlier you come in, the easier it is to shift things.

What Actually Makes a Relationship “Healthy”?

It’s not perfection.

It’s:

• feeling safe to be yourself 

• being able to repair after conflict 

• knowing you matter to your partner 

• having space for both people’s needs 

• feeling connected more often than disconnected 

You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone

If something in your relationship feels off—even if you can’t fully explain it yet—that’s enough.

You don’t need a crisis to deserve support.

Ready to get clarity on your relationship?

If you’re in Salt Lake City, Millcreek, or anywhere throughout Utah and wondering whether what you’re experiencing is something that can shift—or something that needs deeper attention—I’d love to help.

Schedule a free intro call and we can talk through what’s been coming up and what working together might look like.